My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*