That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”