If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
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*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns