me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
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Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!