Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
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If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
dictator is short for richard potato
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there