I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
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Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
😂😂😂
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.