Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
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Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.