Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Twitter remains undefeated
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*