Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
You Might Also Like
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.