Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Ghost costume 😂
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together