I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
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[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
you gotta be faster
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”