55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
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Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.