*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
You Might Also Like
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I feel this so hard
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy