Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
i will not be silenced
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.