what’s the point then??
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My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.