I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
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Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”