Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
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peep davidson
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Noah
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.