babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
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Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Never forget.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.