White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Good news
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.