*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
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Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Free him
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ