Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.