On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“Wait, let me explain..”
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: