They’re not wrong
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
#Caturday
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late