cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
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in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
this is the news I live for
🤣
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?