My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
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*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Many hands make light work
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Florida man
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.