After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
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Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
so weird how every mom was born today
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.