*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
You Might Also Like
still the best tweet of the year by far
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not