I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
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The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Netflix and you sit over there.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Self-cleaning conscience
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.