[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
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Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
This rocks
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…