A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
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Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..