I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
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Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My typo game is string.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET