Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast