My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
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I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
How animals would run if they were human
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
In banana years, I am bread.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.