friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.