wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”