*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
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4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
This is always good for a laugh.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave