the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
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Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
What the hell happened in there??
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic