[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
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Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.