Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
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INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.