Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are