Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
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To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.