[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
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A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
i now pronounce you bounced.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Jurassic park gets weird
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?