[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.