I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Hello Twits.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.