me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.