If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
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Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.