A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
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The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Herpes is trending, good job people
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Based Erika
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?