Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
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Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
these two trucks have the same bed length
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that