Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.