Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Every damn time
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now